Hi Caoimhe —

Sorry it took me a while to put my thoughts together. I have been traveling and trying to keep up with work, and facing this conversation fills me with dread.

I guess my response is basically: do you want me to share my dark and anxious thoughts or not?? Do you remember on July 10th when you came over and did an intervention about my self harm and demanded that I be more open about my sadness? I think it was the only time I’ve seen you cry… Or in Oakland in June when you wouldn’t take “please go home” for an answer and threatened to follow me home because I seemed too sad to be alone?

At this point I feel pretty self sufficient with my sadness: I can manage it myself and it’s relatively unaffected by how people treat me. It does help to feel seen. I remember getting Thai food with Erin after the sauna and feeling grateful for the extra love during a difficult week and the extra patience with my bitchy energy. However, being surrounded by good food and good friends didn’t stop me from self harming that night. It’s really not about the friends.

I am working on my shit, thats why it took me so long to write this letter

I love you and I want to continue to grow with you; just respect that I’m trying and I’m trying to communicate, and let me know nicely when it’s not working and you’d like to take a break.

• Do you want me to share my dark thoughts or not???

  • Self harm case study w erin and sauna
  • You crossed this boundary yourself by confronting me about my suicidality in oakland and then following me to my office building

• Do you want me to be upfront about my struggle with my disorder or do you want me to mask around you? Im not fucking LYING caoimhe

  • Trivial example w talking over tv
  • I can mask and filter but that’s not the same as seperating me from bipolar. They are not separable

• I am working on my healing and you need to respect that as much as your own process

  • You have helped my healing process

• Is our relationship transactional?? You’re the one who seems concerned about it being one-sided

  • I agree, i need to communicate when i am ready to have difficult conversations, and i thought thats what i was doing
  • You are asking a lot by saying i devalued you and participated in yt hegemony after the night i had. Friendships falling thru when i need them is my worst fear
  • “Required to perform emotional labor”??? Im hurt you would call that friendship and you should go away if you feel like thats what you’re doing with me

• You’re asking if I’m there for you, and i am. But you need to tell me what you want and i will stop being vulnerable with you if thats what you want.

• I think this is has been a continual point of stress in our relationship, where my mood is variable

  • Sometimes I am a bad listener, irritable, or can’t see outside my own desperation
  • It seems to be cyclical, and I need people in my life who will be patient

• I am trying really hard to draw boundaries and make needs explicit

  • I am my own keeper; others are not feel responsible for my physical well being. If you can’t be around me without feeling responsible, then don’t be around me.
    • I will kill or cut myself if I want to and it’s literally not about you. I don’t expect you to “pull me out of the dark!!” That’s why I lock the bedroom door and tell you to go away. Your only responsibility is to leave.
    • You have asked me to share my darkest inner core, which I withhold from most people because it’s too dark. I did that, and now you tell me that I’m using you as an emotional dumping ground? How is that supposed to feel? Why would I ever cry in front of you again? I’ll just think about you calling yourself “a pit for Violet to indulge in her own sadness” and go talk to someone else.
  • I try to share my more exuberant energy by being cheerful, homemaking, dancing, and exercising with people. I include my loved ones in happy moments,I do “share equally in joyful, neutral, and complex moments with my friends,” but I don’t lie about feeling happy when I’m not.
  • Sometimes I am overstimulated and I can’t talk while the TV is running. Sometimes it’s hard to take criticism without crying. I can be sensitive to others but I never want to be demanding from them. I try to isolate when I sense that people expect more from me than I can give.
  • I try really hard separate the symptoms of a mood disorder from who I am at my core, but everyone with the disorder struggles with this. I don’t think I use my BP diagnosis to avoid accountability. I really resent the implication that I’m lying about what I’m capable of or that I’m not “doing the work of healing.”
  • I am terrified that friends will leave me during hard times like they have in the past. Friends are people you can rely on in good times and bad. The feeling of precariousness is not good for friendships.

• The argument on Monday

  • I had a really stressful and traumatic night, and only got like 4 hours of sleep. I was running on fumes and working on music to try to ride out whatever good vibes I could before I crashed.
  • I invited you over because I was feeling lonely but on-edge, and “coworking” to me means our parallel-play arrangement where we work on stuff without much emotional exchange
  • I tried to explain to you why I was feeling overwhelmed that day, because I hadn’t gotten sleep and because of all the traumatic things that happened.
  • I was trying to focus on my music but you wanted to share stuff about your weekend.
  • I listened to what you said about your weekend, and I didn’t hear anything that meant you needed immediate support or engagement. I responded in a snippy way, which I apologize for.
  • Then, you wanted to start a discussion about our friendship being one-sided. This caught me off guard, because I feel like we had talked about and resolved some friendship issues recently. I remember asking you to tell me what you need out of our friendship. I cannot reciprocate a friendship if the other person is not clear what they want from me.
    • I was not prepared to talk about our friendship being one-sided because (1) I had no warning about this discussion and I thought we were on good terms, (2) I was running on no sleep and feeling very emotionally volatile
  • “What I took away from Monday was that voicing my concerns was inappropriate bc of your mood. This is an expectation of yt hegemony. It’s fine if you feel this way, but please recognize your conscious choice to devalue me by choosing the words you did.”
    • I didn’t say voicing your concerns was inappropriate because of my mood, I said that I wasn’t ready to have that discussion at that time. I don’t think that relates to YT hegemony. I don’t think devalues you. If you want a friendship where people can’t draw this sort of boundary, then maybe you should be friends with someone else.
  • “If you cannot be present, if you don’t have the energy, if you ONLY WANT IT TO BE ABOUT YOU that day, then own it!! It’s honest to recognize and express that. “
    • How was I not expressing this? This reads as patronizing.
• • Do you want me to share my dark thoughts or not???
  • Self harm case study w erin and sauna
  • You crossed this boundary yourself by confronting me about my suicidality in oakland and then following me to my office building
  • Do you want me to be upfront about my struggle with my disorder or do you want me to mask around you? Im not fucking LYING caoimhe
  • Trivial example w talking over tv
  • I am working on my healing and you need to respect that as much as your own process
  • You have helped my healing process
  • Is our relationship transactional?? You’re the one who seems concerned about it being one-sided
  • I agree, i need to communicate when i am ready to have difficult conversations, and i thought thats what i was doing
  • You are asking a lot by saying i devalued you and participated in yt hegemony after the night i had. Friendships falling thru when i need them is my worst fear
  • “Required to perform emotional labor”??? Im hurt you would call that friendship and you should go away if you feel like thats what you’re doing with me
  • You’re asking if I’m there for you, and i am. But you need to tell me what you want and i will stop being vulnerable with you if thats what you want.

————————————

What I took away from Monday was that voicing my concerns was inappropriate bc of your mood. This is an expectation of yt hegemony. It’s fine if you feel this way, but please recognize your conscious choice to devalue me by choosing the words you did.

If you cannot be present, if you don’t have the energy, if you ONLY WANT IT TO BE ABOUT YOU that day, then own it!! It’s honest to recognize and express that.

We can compromise and return to the (necessary) conversation when both parties can give our full attention. This is called restoration. This is showing respect for your energy and for my personhood.

The conversation is necessary bc communication is part of friendship. That work is part of growth and the fruits of friendship🌱. Yes, it’s fucking work to even harbor hope at times.